It's late...I sure hope this makes sense

For years I’ve been asked if I enjoy writing because I’m “so good at it” (not my words...I promise...I’m truly not that narcissistic). I always answer yes because I really do enjoy writing. It comes naturally to me so, like most, I enjoy what comes easily. It’s incredible therapy and an excellent way to tell my story plus, I get the side benefit of the prayer support I so desperately need. Writing can also be as painful as labor and I’ve definitely had experience with both. Eventually, however, a beautiful blessing is delivered. The beauty of this blessing steals your heart more than it ever will anyone else’s...no matter how much they love you.

My faith journey has been a lot like my writing journey. For the most part, it has come naturally. And then I have those days where I deal with the pains of labor...without the benefit of an epidural. This past week I’ve desperately needed an epidural and none was to be found...until last night (Saturday, January 30th).

Here’s my latest story...

Monday, January 25, 2010 (written after the fact)

Like every other Monday for the last many, many, many weeks I had chemo. I.V. drip that is. I’m still taking daily chemo pills so, I have some form of chemo in my system 24/7. On top of this, Reed has given me a total of 10 shots in 3 weeks to boost my white blood cell count. My red cell count has been low for a while and it is really affecting my fatigue level. I was determined to boost the reds with food. I’ve eaten more red meat in the last month than in the last year. It didn’t work. Yesterday, I was in bed the ENTIRE day because of severe light headedness and weariness. I had too many late nights last week (for a VERY good cause...and I would totally do it again) and am paying for it terribly. So, when I went in for chemo, I was already super wiped out. Oh yeah, I had physical therapy (for my hip/leg) a couple of hours prior to chemo so... At PT and at chemo I was told that I looked really tired. Hmmm...shock. My nurse gave me a shot for my reds. I was so tired by the time I got home that I ate, got ready for bed and hung out in my bed hoping that I would fall asleep. No such luck. At about 10:30 (through a series of random thoughts) I realized that something really special to me was missing out of my house. I “ran” downstairs with Reed racing after me to make sure I didn’t fall over. We ran into the bathroom to find out that yep, I was right, it was gone. I was DEVASTATED. Why would someone take this out of my house. I’d only had it for about a month...it was a gift. Sentimental not expensive. And yes, we are 99.9% positive it was taken and not broken. Reed and I searched the house, questioned the boys, and the next day questioned others. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I was heart broken. Finally, we went back to bed. I laid there feeling horribly violated. Why? Why? I couldn’t stop crying. And I’m not talking sweet little whimpers. I’m talking LOUD uncontrollable sobs. I couldn’t calm down. The rest of my house slept and I didn’t want to wake them. So, I left the house (in my chemo pajama state) and drove to Balboa Pier. I sat in my car crying and listening to the waves crashing against the sand. It was dark and late and beautiful. God created the power in the waves and I needed to be reminded of that truth. I drove home, fell asleep and slept peacefully until about 5:30. That’s when I remembered what happened and that’s when I lost it again.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010 (written live-ish ... I love “ish”)

Today I had a follow up with my neurosurgeon, Dr. Duma. Three months ago he declared that I was NED ... No Evidence of Disease ... so I wasn’t concerned. And two Mondays ago (I think it was then...it could have been three Mondays ago) Dr. Link told me that my tumor markers had gone down. So...I really wasn’t concerned about the results. I dreaded, dreaded, dreaded going in however because I’ve had needle issues at this facility. Plus, I’m not a big fan of having my head/face in a cage to keep it still while undergoing an MRI. I want to believe that doctors can truly grasp how hellish it is to go in for follow-ups but...I just don’t know. If they did, they wouldn’t allow nurses to give you the results of the MRI and then not come into your room to confirm/deny these readings for roughly 20 minutes. How lame!! I know he was busy but for goodness sakes...you allow the nurse to “read” the MRI and then you don’t come in to talk with the patient right away? So the patient gets to sit and stew and answer “lame” texts because she’s trying to keep from going insane?! And she’s trying really hard NOT to scream at the top of her lungs. Then the doctor comes in, confirms the findings, acts like it’s not that big of a deal because he can make it all better, tells the nurse to schedule the procedure then walks out to the next patient spending all of 3 minutes with ME! AFTER HE TELLS ME THAT I HAVE THREE NEW CANCER TUMORS IN MY BRAIN!!! To my neurosurgeon friend Steve...DO NOT do this to your patients...please. I might have to scold you. Man...I am getting so flustered as I type this. So what do we do now?? Before I can even make it out of the building, I am SOBBING. Again. I am mad. I am scared. I am terribly frustrated. Reed and I head to the beach so I can process. The same spot I went to a couple of nights before only this time it’s not dark so I (we) get out of the car and sit in the sand for a while...quiet. I’m listening to my iPod (crying) and Reed’s listening to the waves. Apparently, I have to have another Gamma Knife procedure on February 8th...my youngest sister’s birthday...weird. We eventually make it home and have a nice evening with the boys. I go to bed feeling mostly ok. I fell asleep hearing the words of Pastor Brian Brodersen on the radio...”if, like Abraham, you are waiting for a promise to be fulfilled, keep waiting. God will come through.”

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I wake up late and slowly. Get up and push through the emotions to get my day going with the boys. Then the nurse calls to give me the date/time of my consultation for the “procedure”. Before I even get off the phone, I’m in tears again. I lose it and spiral to a deep, deep depression - the deepest I’ve been in up to this point - ending up in bed with just enough sense to send out an S.O.S. text to three of my friends (please don’t be offended if you were not one of those three...that’s just how it goes). Stayed in bed until late afternoon then forced myself to get up, bathe, get dressed and prepare for my sister and my nephews to stay the night.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Have to get up to go to PT. It’s a good thing but I’m still filled with the emotions of the week. Cam came home to study, Reed’s home working, and all the boys (including the nephews) are doing school. The sounds of life are all around. It’s beautiful. We’re supposed to go to Bible study tonight but it’s not going to happen with the nephews here and all of the older boys gone for the night. Plus, the size of the Bible study is FAR larger than I’m comfortable with. I like groups of around 10 max. There are about 60 peeps in this group, most of them I don’t know. I can’t deal with that right now. I need to be in safe groups. So, we gladly stay home for the night. Then I decide last minute to go to a friend’s house to watch a movie. Maybe that will help me get through the emotions. Or not. I’m tired. I can’t fall asleep for hours.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Slept in...until 1:00. Maybe if I just sleep long enough the emotions will be under control. Get up...the nephews are a wonderful distraction for me and the boys. They’re playing and working hard, Reed’s doing yard work and I’m doing laundry. We decide to go to tonight’s service at church...it’s going to work better with our weekend schedule. Someone sitting behind me gently taps my shoulder. She says, quite hesitantly, “I’ve been praying for you. I was hoping to pray for you last night but I didn’t see you.” Last night was the Bible study we didn’t go to. She hopes that there is an opportunity after service to pray for me. I’m curious...how does she know me? I’ve never seen her before. After service I ask for clarification. Apparently, she saw me at the Bible study a week ago and felt strongly that God was telling her to pray for me. That I was ill but she didn’t know the details. He had a specific message she was to pass along to me. After I quizzed her long enough to be certain she was passing on a legit message, I listened intently and this is what she told me. “God wants you to know how much He loves you, yes we know that God loves us but He specifically wants you to know how much. He wants me to pray for you to have strength. For you to hold onto the promises that He has given you. And for you to NOT listen to the lies of Satan.” What she didn’t know was that just moments before, I had been sitting on the ground, in a corner near where I was going to take communion, earnestly asking God if I needed to accept the reality that I might die from this cancer. I’ve never believed that before...I’ve never allowed myself to believe that...but last night...after this disgusting week...I felt that maybe, just maybe, I’d been wrong in what I’ve heard for the last FIVE years. So, to come back to my seat and have someone I’ve NEVER seen before (yes, we’d been at the same Bible study but she didn’t see me the first week and it was a LARGE group) who “just happened” to be sitting RIGHT behind me at a service she nearly never goes to and who was in absolute shock that I was sitting right in front of her after she had been praying for me for a week who knew she was supposed to pass along a message to me and was bummed that I wasn’t at the study Friday night and the message “just happened” to be an ABSOLUTE in my face confirmation that what I’ve been hearing for FIVE years is absolutely the truth??!! What?? Are you kidding me?? God whispered it to me Wednesday night via Brian Brodersen but THIS was in my face. And I desperately needed it. It was my epidural numbing the pain of the week.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

It’s late and I really NEED to finish this so that I can fill out lame medical paperwork. I have my gamma knife consultation in the morning, then PT and then chemo. It’s going to be a crazy day and the only part of it I’m looking forward to is the PT. I feel normal there...and I see positive progress. Every other medical office I walk into seems to be full of bad news. At least for now. I seem to be in a near constant state of light headedness and fatigue. But at least now I can again fall asleep with the peace that all the promises I’ve been hearing are indeed true and that eventually all this disease will be out of my body. Am I looking forward to what these next months hold for me. NO, NO, NO!! I despise the waiting. I HATE CANCER!!! My ears ache and constantly have a rush/rush noise with the aching...weird, my nose has big sores in it, my digestive system can’t figure out whether it supposed to push the acids up or down or if maybe they should just stay where they are and cause massive stomach aches and indigestion, my body wants to sleep all day and my brain wants to work and enjoy life...and...and..and...I hate needles. Needles, needles, needles...EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!! I’m pretty near my wits end but apparently I still have to wait. It’s been five entire years since I first received God’s promise of healing. Five. A lot of life happens in five years. I’ve been on chemo for 1 1/2 years with no end in sight. I will once again have to have screws put into my skull just so I can have massive gamma rays shot into my brain. But, I still have my hair.

On a totally different note...Reed’s little clothing line is going really, really well for it’s age. The test order went well so a larger order was placed and will be tested in more stores. No money coming in yet but the doors opening up are shocking. Waiting on that too.

Really...in 30 minutes it’s February? How?

Me...(Angela)

P.S. Happy Birthday Lisa :)

November 30, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

Radiation is officially over. Man oh man is it ever so much easier than chemo!!!! So what’s next? On Wednesday, November 18th, we met with Dr. Link to see what his next move would be. This is what he said...” I have one more thing I can try before I let nature take its course.” That one more thing is an oral chemo that is evidently a “miracle” chemo for a very specific form of leukemia and not a chemo for breast cancer. No, I don’t have leukemia but for some reason “my” cancer shows strong evidence of responding to this drug. However, like all the other regimens I’ve been on, this one also needs to be cocktailed. Oh, and this cocktail has never been used on an actual breast cancer patient before. It’s only been tested in a tube and it’s in this test tube that things looked promising for breast cancer patients like me. Do you feel like I’m just telling you the same story over and over again? I do.

So, this is what the doc wants me to do. I will take the oral chemo (Gleevec) daily and then once a week I will have the other chemo (Navalbine) administered via I.V. I will also be receiving a once a month I.V. dosage of Zometa that is supposed to help with bone healing. The first dosage of the Zometa literally put me to sleep for about 36 hours. It was weird. One of the side effects was fatigue...guess so. As it stands right now, I am scheduled to begin both treatments next Monday, a week from today. This new regimen will continue until it stops :)! Very likely it will continue for 18 weeks :/. That’s at least the best guessing we can do right now. It’s all going to depend on my body.

Crazy as it may seem, when the doctor made the “let nature take its course” comment, I was oddly relieved. I felt like saying, let’s get on with this and get it over with. I’m not being a pessimist but I feel like this new regimen will work for a bit and then my body will once again build up a resistance to the drugs making it ineffective. And I’ll be left to once again detox and try to get my body back to some sort of normal. This seems to be my new normal. At least I have hair.

I think that’s all I have to share for now. Until next time...Angela


P.S. Thanksgiving was AMAZING!!!

3,664 words

October 28 & 29, & November 1, 2009

So I’m trying to type in the car and I realize that I’m not very good at this. I get car sick easily so we’ll see how this goes. And no, I’m not driving!!! But I’ve been getting a lot of folks asking for an update so I thought I’d use my time wisely and try and fill everyone in on the latest. And I’ve realized that many, many of my actual friends (as opposed to facebook “friends” ... no offense) have not one idea what my latest real life status is. The “issue” with my updates is that I like to tell the entire story from beginning to end including as many details as possible so that I don’t mislead. I like to document - and document accurately - because I always put these updates in my journal. This is very time consuming and takes a good amount of energy so I tend to wait, and wait, and wait until I’m emotionally and physically ready to type and think at the same time. Or until I get hounded enough to send out another update. By this time, the updates are so long that you, my faithful readers, need an entire afternoon and a good cup of tea to read the entire thing. Oh well. That brings me to today. Hounded and feeling good enough to think and type. I just don’t really know where to begin but I know this will be a long one. So...choose to read to the end or not. You’ve been forewarned!

From what I remember, my last update was an encouraging one (I don’t feel like re-reading it)....all was going well with the “medical miracle chemo”. Well, this lasted for a little bit and then s-l-o-w-e-d ... w-a-y ... d-o-w-n. I was going in for chemo nearly every Monday and Friday until the 12th of October. Progress was happening but happening like dripping molasses. Discouragement #1. During this time of twice weekly chemo treatments, I had 3 extra doctor visits for “wound care” ... ouch, ouch, ouch ... this was VERY, VERY painful hence becoming discouragement #2 . Now, let’s move on to the newest issue. My hip. We’d known for a while that I had a small tumor in my hip. The chemo appeared to be taking care of this because the pain was lessening. I don’t know what in the world happened but I went from having less pain to BOOM! far more pain. I blew it off for a couple of weeks because I really believed I had done something normal like hurt my muscle or something. I haven’t been able to exercise in months and when the pain started easing up I slowly started exercising (seriously slowly and not make believe slowly). So I really did believe I’d done something “normal”. But, the pain would not go away and actually started getting a lot worse. So bad that it really became a challenge just to walk. This raised concern...fear that I may have fractured my hip so...my doctor ordered an MRI on my hip. We needed to find out what was going on. Um...can we say MASSIVE DISCOURAGEMENT (#3)???!!! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I hate scans of all kinds. Why, oh why do you have to be poked with a needle and contaminated with toxins just so “they” can see your insides better? Please. There’s got to be a better way. Sigh.

For weeks I was sliding the slippery slope of deep discouragement and depression and knew I was hitting a critical point but really didn’t realize, at all, how bad I had become. That is, until a certain Sunday - the last Sunday in September - when I was standing oddly alone in the huge hallway of church.

Reed headed to church without me (at my request) because I just didn’t have the energy to move quickly and I didn’t care in the least about being late (not normal). It didn’t even bother me that I went to church with wet hair or sloppy (albeit cute)clothes (not normal). I didn’t even want to go but knew that staying home, on this day, would be worse. I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to be around people. Hmmm. I was pretty bummed when I realized that I had walked into church too late to go unnoticed so that led me to standing awkwardly in the hallway. Well, God being God, wanted me in just that spot at just that moment. He had plans for a specific good friend to come into the hallway at just that point and for a COMPLETELY different reason. She hadn’t even seen me. But when she did, all it took was the touch of her hands to my forearms and her asking how I was doing and the tears began to fall. We were alone in the hallway - which is unusual all on it’s own because our church isn’t exactly small - and I couldn’t get one word out. Not one. Only tears. But this was where God reached in and grabbed me and yanked me out of the pit. This is when I realized I needed to send out - with help - an S.O.S.

A few days later, on a Thursday evening (October 1st), a group of strong praying women circled around me and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was given the freedom to talk openly and explain just how dark things had become for me. It wasn’t good. To be honest, it was a wee bit scary to actually hear myself explain all the turmoil and lies that had been going on in my head. Our society talks so much about “dying with dignity” and “quality of life” and “being a burden on your loved ones/society” and “end of life care” and “why is he/she still hanging on?”, and, and, and, ... It becomes sickeningly easy to begin to believe what you’ve heard instead of what you know to be true. God cherishes life...plain and simple. Life until He chooses to allow it to end...He’s numbered our days. And I believe it’s because of this that the LORD never allowed me to hit bottom. He gave me a promise...the promise that I wouldn’t die from this disease and He wanted me to remember this truth. Not the lies the enemy of life wanted me to hear and believe.

The following Sunday, October 4th, Reed and I were surrounded by our elder and pastor friends and again I (we) was given the opportunity to spill my soul. And again, they prayed and prayed and prayed. The light was spilling through and the darkness was evaporating. The timing was crucial. I could have never handled what the following weeks had to offer had I still been in the pit.

Now, back to the hip MRI story - not hip as in cool. One day as I was sitting in my chair receiving chemo, Dr. Link’s nurse Donna came to give me the results of the MRI. The good news, there was no fracture in sight. The bad news, the cancer was still there but there was not a clear indication of whether or not the tumor had grown (or at least that what’s I was told). I was pretty certain the tumor had grown. The pain was far too bad for any other reason. I had actually hoped for a fracture because that seemed less devastating than cancer. So, where do we go from here? How about radiation? We’ve not done that yet (except the gamma knife...for whatever reason I don’t consider this radiation) so we might as well give it a try. Right? I’ve been trying to avoid radiation so I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this idea. I just love adding more toxic uninvited guests into my body. Sigh. Discouragement #4.

Dr. Duma, my neurologist, recommended an oncology radiologist who uses a similar procedure as the gamma knife. It’s called cyber knife. The hopes were that if I went to her (let me introduce Dr. Eva Lean), she could zap the cancer out of my hip as quickly as Dr. Duma was able to zap the cancer out of my brain. Sadly, it just wasn’t that simple.

On October 13th, the morning following an afternoon chemo treatment, we went for a consult with Dr. Lean. After reviewing my MRI, she let me know that the tumor in my hip was only part of the problem. I also have a significant tumor in the neck of my femur. The cyber knife is for smaller tumors so...this meant I needed the regular radiation. Dr. Lean also made it incredibly clear that my hip and femur were, at this point, as fragile as porcelain. Discouragement #5.

Before Dr. Lean would finalize her recommended radiation protocol, she wanted to see the results of the PET/CT scans I was having the next day, October 14th. More scans...discouragement #6. Did you know that I hate scans? Just curious. I wasn’t expecting good results. She asked if we could overnight a copy of the scans to her so she could review them and let us know as soon as possible. She was going to be out of town for a week and a half and didn’t want to leave us hanging. Reed and I were floored with this doctor. She is by far the most compassionate doctor I have (and Dr. Link is definitely NOT lacking in the compassionate department). She is spunky, smart, and incredibly easy to be around. On our first visit, she spent an hour and a half with us. Amazing. This weighed heavily into our decision to want to continue to see her for treatment. The downfall...she’s an hour plus away from our house.

Scan day...fairly uneventful. The normal go to the nurses you trust to have your line started, walk (hobble) next door to the scan offices, fill out paper work AGAIN, drink pukey contrast gunk, wait your turn, have a radioactive dye shot into your arm, lay around in a dark room by yourself for an hour, drink more pukey contrast gunk, go to the scan machine and let them take pictures of your body, head home, stop and eat a Del Taco burrito and iced tea (yes, this is true), go home and try and act like you can get something done that afternoon, be incredibly thankful that someone is bringing dinner!!

The next couple of days I was expecting calls from Dr. Link’s office and Dr. Lean’s. I was looking forward to much celebrating of my birthday weekend (October 17th for future reference) so I really didn’t care if I heard from either. As it turned out, I only heard from Dr. Link’s with the results of the scans but I was supposed to receive a follow-up call to let me know whether they wanted me to proceed with radiation/radiation & chemo/just chemo. By the following Wednesday, October 21st I hadn’t received a follow-up call from Dr. Link and I still hadn’t heard from Dr. Lean. I was planning on using this day to make phone calls and get things done. Well, phones calls were made and what I found out turned a nice calm day into craziness. “Someone” from Dr. Link’s office was supposed to call me and failed to follow through. He wanted me to begin radiation as soon as possible so that healing could begin on my leg (fear of fracture weighed heavily in this decision).

As for Dr. Lean, she had been checking daily for the overnight envelope and still hadn’t received it...or so she thought. Reed tracked it and found out that it was in her office somewhere...so and so had signed for it. Ummm...she said she’d have it on her desk within 15 minutes. Both of these doctor’s offices run like very well oiled machines so it was a bit “funny” that they both “happened” to drop the ball at the same time.

As soon as Dr. Lean reviewed the scans, she called me back. Her hope was that I would be able to get to her office by noon that day so they could do all of the pre-radiation stuff in order for me to begin radiation by the next Monday. It was 9:45. I was still in my jammies, hadn’t eaten breakfast or prepared Elijah’s school work. Remember, Dr. Lean is far away from my house - 62 miles. I HAD to leave by 10:30 to make sure I got there in time. I had 45 minutes. Dr. Lean had to leave at 1:00 and would be gone for a week and a half. Her office was going to work through lunch so that I could begin treatment a week sooner.

Oh my....I am getting overwhelmed with my own story. Even though I’m telling so much of it, there is much that I have left out so I’m hoping this all makes sense.

Back to the story...I haven’t driven myself to an appointment in a very long time. The MRI scan a few weeks back and that’s it in many, many months. Chemo wigs the brain out so it’s dangerous for me to drive plus, I really dislike sitting alone during treatment. I needed to drive to this appointment by myself. Ben was FINALLY being released from the doctor so he could have an active life again and I wasn’t about to reschedule that appointment. Reed was planning on taking him to his appointment all along but didn’t relish the idea of me driving to Vista by myself. It was actually a good day for me to drive because I’d slept well the night prior. Plus, my sister only lives a few miles from Dr. Lean and she was able to meet me so that I wouldn’t have to be at my appointment alone. I made it with 10 minutes to spare...and Ben was cleared.

I met with Dr. Lean to go over all that needs to be gone over, was scanned WITHOUT needles, and tattooed (boo)in prep for Monday’s radiation treatment. Then, Heather and I went to lunch. Before we left though, one of the nurses came outside and asked me to wait. I asked if she wanted me to come back inside and she said “that depends on where you want your hug”. Well, I thought she was talking about hugging Heather goodbye so I was really confused. I didn’t think it should matter to her where I hugged my sister goodbye. But, she was talking about the hug I was about to receive from Dr. Lean. Dr. Lean came running outside to give me, and Heather, a hug goodbye. She was not going to be around for my first week of treatment but wanted to make sure I knew she was there for me. Heather totally agreed that this doctor is worth the drive.

Radiation began this past Monday, October 26th and will continue for the next two weeks. It is a daily treatment, Monday to Friday, with weekends off. A total of 15 treatments. I will be back on a chemo schedule sometime but I’m just not sure when. Most of the results of my scans were not good. The cancer is still gone in my lungs and liver. The original cancer sight (the wound area) has gone down a teeny bit in width and some in depth but mostly is the same. My last brain MRI showed “no evidence of disease (NED)” so that is really, really good. However, as I’ve already explained, my left hip and femur neck are in bad shape. I have new spots in several areas...my right hip, 6th rib, sacrum, and T9. The T9 is a spot that has come and gone and come back again. Dr. Lean did indicate that the cyber knife can be used on this spot and actually recommends it. We’ll see. One thing at a time.

Where am I today? Tired. The pain in my hip area has lessened somewhat which is really exciting. But the rest of my leg hurts worse than it did?! Not sure what this is about. Maybe just a muscle thing but not sure. Plus, as the pain lessens in my leg, I can feel the other spots more. Discouragement #7.

Where am I emotionally? Today? Good. A week ago was a vastly different story. I was having some serious anxiety about going through radiation. I was far from nice to my family and plummeted even more when Reed brought home a walking stick for me to use to keep my balance and help support my weak leg. It’s a really cool stick but the reality of needing one (and I do need one) threw me over the edge. Again, I was in bad shape but desperately trying not to hit bottom. Again, the LORD intervened. Again it was with friends. But this time, instead of massive prayer, it was with scheduled and unscheduled massive fun stuff. The kind that takes your brain far away from your reality. Because of this and because God spoke to me in some random ways, I was able to “easily” survive my first week of radiation. As one friend explained, God is truly showing me how those in my life have become the arms and legs of Christ. I am not alone.

What am I learning? Oh so very much. God is stripping me. I could call it refining because that seems more biblical but in reality it feels like stripping because I have never felt more vulnerable in all my life. I am being stripped of nearly all that has defined me. All that I have prided myself on (yes, prided). I once was physically strong. That’s going. I once was completely independent and “in control”. Now I must rely on others to survive more than just doctor visits. I once was agile and fit. I now can no longer walk a block without effort and must use my walking stick for more than a handful of steps. I’ve been forced to expose more of myself in front of strangers (medical staff) than a modest person like me cares to endure. The hips that once carried the weight of the life of my children now carry a deadly disease. Bizarre. It all hurts. I’m being massively humbled...I even went to a USC game in a wheelchair. It’s surreal and it’s embarrassing. Meals are being provided, my house is being cleaned, my laundry is being done. All things that identify me as a caregiver, wife, mother. I highly identify myself in this role. Stripped.

I am also learning that God often shows His intimacy in the void of communication. Over the last year, I’ve not heard from God much. He’s been there to carry me and love me but He’s been silent. I’ve heard a couple of things recently, one being something that was almost comical to me. I was lying on the radiation bed preparing for my first treatment - so anxious and hating the fact that radiation was going into my body to help my body heal. Seems so hypocritical. I was watching the huge automated arms move around me and calming myself by looking at the fake sky scene with the fake shooting star. It was then that God reminded me that He created radiation and because of this it was “natural”. Wow. Kind of weird but I couldn’t deny the truth. An immediate peace came over me and I survived the first day.

Something else He said to me was quite loud and clear. It was a resounding re-confirmation of the promise of healing. I know I will not die of this disease. I don’t know what this means but I know I will not die from it...I will live to declare the works of the LORD. These truths give me the strength I need to wake up each morning. My specific prayer today is that I would have the courage to face the realities of what I daily endure and the confidence to stay firmly rooted in the hope of the promises I’ve received. I’m pretty confident that more stripping is coming and I know this is going to be another big challenge. Hopefully without a pit. I’m not excited about this but there will be a day when I can look back and be grateful for what the LORD has allowed me to endure in order to somehow point others towards Him.

I am grateful that the LORD is trusting me enough right now to connect some puzzle pieces. He is also showing me how much my life is truly paralleling the woman who touched Jesus’ cloak. “Daughter, you took a risk of faith and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed be healed of your plague.” Mark 5:34 This update is not the time for explaining the parallels but I have a feeling that day will come.

Really good things have been happening amongst all of this. Reed has begun a clothing line and God has been opening the doors quickly and widely. We just keep marching through. So far, it has been well received and has enabled him the opportunity to hang with me through all of this. If you ever see Arlington in PacSun, go ahead a buy it...it’s Reed’s. It’s not there yet but will be soon. Reed’s also been able to be more available for the boys. The boys are doing great and school is going shockingly well. So, even though we have this major disruption in our lives, there is calm surrounding us. Calm that can only be explained by God’s presence.

Goodnight. Much love,
Angela

News of the Day

August 8, 2009

Hi friends...

Just wanted to share the good news. Yesterday I went in for treatment. Pictures and measurements were taken. A week ago Friday (when we first began the "miracle" treatment) the measurements of the wound were 6.5 cm x 3.5 cm. Yesterday, the measurements were 5.8 cm x 3.3 cm! The wound is shrinking!! This is critical because the wound is the site where the original tumor began. It is the indicator of whether or not the treatment is working throughout my entire body. There are some other indicators too such as far less pain in my hip. My medical staff is elated.

Well...that's about it. Just wanted to share the good news. Thanks so very much for your prayers. I know with all my heart that they are carrying me through all of this.

Angela

August

August 2, 2009

Hi all...

Just a quick note to let you all know the latest (if you haven't heard already). Friday morning I went in for treatment without knowing which direction my doctor was choosing to go. I was completely at peace and completely confident of whatever decision he chose to make. When I arrived, it was CLEAR that he had chosen the path of medical history!!! I had to approve it of course (there could be an insurance glitch) but I was 100% positive that this was the right choice. Reed was too. So, I signed the approval and to be honest, I was really excited. My medical team was really excited too...we all believe it's going to work. My nurse wanted my approval to document, with pictures and measurements, the damage that has taken place. She said that they would like to write a paper afterward (assuming it goes in the direction we all believe) and I said "that's OK because I want to write a book! So you can write your paper and I'll write my book!" That's fair right? Anyway, we all laughed.

So this is what this next month look likes for me. I will be having treatment on nearly every Monday and Friday morning for the month of August. Eight treatments in all. So far, I have had very few side effects so I think I should be able to handle it "OK". I've not had any nausea, weird food issues, hair loss, etc. Really the only issue that has hit hard is fatigue making my energy level REALLY low. With my last treatment, I dealt a lot with mental fogginess and nausea. Not this time at all. This makes it so much easier to continue "life as normal" ... with an asterisk. I have to do much of this life from my couch. I must say though that we are being very well taken care. Meals are coming on a regular basis, lots of friends are accompanying me to treatments so that Reed can focus on work, and prayers are constant and VERY much felt.

As for the rest of the family, Cambron moves out in 3 weeks and into the dorms at school so I know that there will be some strong emotions filtering through the house. His presence will really be missed but we are super excited for his new adventure. Oh...his shoulder is healing well too!! He and Ben are still in therapy but both are doing really well. Ben was released and allowed to jog and jump rope but still has to stay out of the ocean. Nothing new to report with Abe, Peter or Eli...WOOHOO!!

I need to organize and prepare for year 14 of homeschooling...deep breath. Luckily, I can do this from the couch. Then there's football...it looks really different for us this year so we get a bit of a break but, fall ball has begun. Reed is doing GREAT. He's super busy and the opportunities look quite promising. We are getting excited for what's going on with him. It's been fun to watch.

That's about all. This isn't the smoothest flowing email but I think you get what I'm trying to say...right?

Until next time which could be a while...many hugs.

Angela

PS...duh!!! I didn't give you my treatment dates!!! Here they are...

Monday, August 2 @ 10:15
Friday, August 7 @ 9:45
Monday, August 10 @ 10:00
Friday, August 14 @ 10:15
Friday, August 21 @ 10:45
Monday, August 24 @ 10:15
Friday, August 28 @ 10:00
Monday, August 31 @10:15

I don't know about September.

Today's Doctor Visit

July 20, 2009

Hello friends! Just wanted you to know that I left my doctor's appointment this afternoon giddy!!! Yes GIDDY!! Have you ever heard me say that?? I didn't think so. The docudrama of this crazy adventure just keeps getting more and more interesting but this time the spin is really exciting to me (and Reed) and possibly life changing for my doctor and a lot of women. So here's the scoop from my visit.

For whatever reason, today when the nurse checked my blood pressure, it was really high. This is super unusual for me because my blood pressure tends to be low. It also completely surprised me because I wasn't the slightest bit nervous. Truthfully, I was so at peace that I was even shocking myself. The entire day today and actually even yesterday, I have felt that this visit was going to be good. I wasn't the least bit worried. In contrast, the LORD very often forewarns me or often I feel an impending doom whenever the news is going to be bad. I felt good going in and, like I said, giddy when I left.

Reed and I sat with Dr. Link in his office while he finished up reviewing some of my recent medical results. He looks up at me with his cute smirk and makes some remark about not knowing what to do with me. He wanted to know how I fared after they released me last Friday so we filled him in. He just shook his head in bewilderment because he really was perplexed. Never had they had a patient that reacted the way I did to that type of chemo. He made a point of letting me know that he believes me in regards to what happened 11 years ago. No more questions. I want to tell you that my doctor is amazing and I would highly recommend him to any woman. He's gentle and wise and has most definitely earned all the accolades on his office wall. So when he's perplexed it's kind of amusing. Anyway, if you remember, a few weeks ago I had a special type of biopsy performed that would indicate what types of chemos would work best on "my" type of breast cancer. I don't know the medical jargon but in layman's terms, the cancer sample is tested for varying types of reactions to varying types of chemo. Some genetic testing is also done. Make sense?? I have all the paperwork if anybody really wants to read it :o) but that about sums it up. The family of chemos that works the very best on "my" cancer is one we have now confirmed I am highly allergic too and can literally kill me. This is the largest segment of chemos available for overall breast cancer treatment. There is a possible way around the awful side effects of these chemos but it involves 3 days of pre-medicating with steroids and then having a once a week treatment for 12 weeks. Ummm...I'm thinking no. Actually, my doctor is thinking no too. Can you imagine, 3 days of steroids and then a chemo that causes you to be sick for ?? who knows and then you get the thrill and joy of watching your hair fall out...ohhhh...it's just a mess. Oh yeah, and I'd get to repeat this cycle every week for 12 weeks. There's got to be a better way, right? Well, there may just be.

Another chemo that showed good results with my biopsy is one that is actually used for multi-myeloma cancer. It has never been used as a treatment for breast cancer because it hasn't worked where tested. And yes, my doctor is certain that the cancer I have is breast cancer. However, for me, because I'm so wonderfully unique - with a capital U - it actually shows positive response when tested with the chemo used for multi-myeloma. The treatment is far less toxic than the ones I’m allergic to which means far, far fewer side effects and very likely no hair loss. This is a big deal because I believe that God also told me that I wouldn’t lose my hair.

Now, it may not seem like a big deal that a treatment for multi-myeloma is possibly a treatment for breast cancer because it's just another chemo right? But in reality, it's huge. As Dr. Link put it, if this treatment were to work on me, we would make medical history!! These were his words and he meant it LITERALLY. Absolutely NO exaggeration. Who knows the realm of possibilities behind this statement. Seriously, only God does. So very many women could be helped...it just boggles my mind. But the even more amazing statement from Dr. Link was..."maybe this is how God is planning on working it out." He was so cute because he couldn't look Reed and I in the eyes but he wants to believe that God is going to work it out this way. See why I was giddy?!!??!!! I mean seriously. Since day one, we've been so straight forward with Dr. Link and have told him numerous times that God told me He is going to heal me. I really believe Dr. Link is listening and what's even better, I believe he's believing. If I'm allowed to go through this to lead my doctor to the LORD and help other breast cancer patients, wow...I don't even know what to say to that. The LORD would be so glorified because my doctor would know why it happened. There would be no denying it.

What's actually shocking to me is that for the last 4 1/2 years of this 11 year journey, I have BEGGED and BEGGED and BEGGED God for a miracle without the use of medicine. I am actually at a point now where if God chooses for the healing to come from this latest turn of events, I would be thrilled. The look on my doctor's face today was priceless. I could "easily" endure what's left of my treatments if the outcome would actually be what Dr. Link believes could happen and if it would open his eyes to the one true Physician. What an honor to be a part of that. I'm sure it goes without saying that I would take a non-medical miracle in a heartbeat and I won’t stop believing that this could happen but I have NEVER been at a point where I've been OK with chemo. I've done it out of obedience but that's about it.

So, what does this mean for me. My doctor wants more time to think about what specifically should be done. I would LOVE prayer for wisdom for him in regards to this decision. It’s a really big one. He needs time to consult with some other doctors and just have time to figure it all out. He has already spent several hours pondering over what to do so I really feel he would love the prayer support, even if he never knows.

If we proceed with the experimental treatment, that will mean treatment twice a week for 4 weeks. It will be a cocktail taken along with the other chemo I am still doing. The one I'm not allergic to. My next appointment is scheduled for July 31st at 9:30. The only thing I really don't know is what my treatment will look like.

Well...I think that's all. It's so nice to feel light hearted again. Your continued prayer is so very much needed. Please don't stop. Thank you so much.

Big hugs!!!
Angela

Back to the drawing board

July 17th or 18th?, 2009 it's the middle of the night between Friday and Saturday so I guess technically it's the 18th.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep so I thought I should at least journal to get the head stuff out through my fingertips. But, I also knew that I wanted to let you guys know what happened today so I've decided to allow my email to you to sort of be a journal entry that way I "kill two birds..." Now, don't get too excited because I seriously doubt I will share quite like how I would if this was a true journal entry. But, you never know...it is currently 2:00 a.m.

This morning (well Friday morning...it's confusing when it's the middle of the night), at 9:30 I went in for my new chemo regimen. I had an overwhelming peace all morning and slept very well last night (Thursday night). This was surprising to me because just a few days ago...on Monday...I was having serious fear and anxiety about going in this week. My treatment hadn't been scheduled prior to our vacation because I couldn't seem to get through to the doctor. In hind sight, this was very much the way God wanted it. I wasn't supposed to dwell on the date of chemo while I was on our little trip. On Monday, I knew I needed to call the doctor. They had called to check on me while we were gone but the area we were staying in didn't have cell reception so I couldn't call them back. When I talked to my nurse, I was brutally honest about how I was feeling and the anxiety I was having. We talked it all out and she kept reassuring me that I was going to be fine and that this treatment, even though it's in the same family of the one I had such a horrible reaction to 11 years ago, was far gentler. I was going to be fine. "OK", I said and proceeded to make my appointment. They couldn't get me in on Thursday the 16th so I went today (Friday).

My chemo regimen is always some sort of a cocktail. This time was no different. The first chemo they gave to me this morning went according to plan. I had never been on this type so I really didn't know what to expect and really, I still don't because most side effects don't take place within the first 24 hours. They occur on days 2,3,4... First chemo over, time for the second one. They began the drip and WHOA!!! what the heck's happening??? Immediately my body began reacting in a bad way but totally different than 11 years ago so I was confused. Really confused. So I kind of just sat there trying to figure it out. I was finishing up a pb&j and thought that I must have swallowed wrong because all of the sudden I couldn't breathe. So, I kept swallowing and drinking water and nope, that was it. Then I began to get really hot - actually my face began to feel like it was on fire - so I took the heating pad off of my lap to see if that would cool me down (I was using it to get warm because before this I was chilled). Nope, this wasn't it and my breathing was getting worse. Finally I realized that something wasn't right but I was still hesitant. Of course, Reed had stepped out to run a quick errand and my nurse, who is always very attentive, happened to be busy at the desk so I didn't have someone right there with me. Still not sure if I was imagining things, I got up and walked over to the desk. But when my nurse glanced up and saw me and had a look of fear on her face, I knew my concerns were legit. She began gently barking orders..."go back and sit down"..."take deep breaths"..."keep taking deep breaths"...as she scurried over to me to turn off the chemo drip and then scurried to get some steroids to put in my line so that I could breathe again. The steroids worked quickly and my breathing eased up. It took a while longer for my face to cool down and for the massive headache caused by all of this to go away but it did. Then my doctor and his nurse came in and were literally tongue tied but not me. I said, "I told you so!" And they said, "Yes you did!". In all their years of practice, they'd NEVER seen anyone react to this chemo like I did. My chemo nurse told me, "when you were saying that you were allergic to this I thought you just meant you didn't tolerate it well. You REALLY meant allergic!" Yes I did. And now they know.

They monitored me for a while and because I was having other allergy reactions, gave me some Benadryl with instructions to take it every 3 hours. I've only taken it once more. Oh well. Unlike most people, Benadryl does not cause drowsiness for me. It keeps me awake. I was released to go but for two-ish hours afterward I had some other issues. I got the shakes and chills really bad as we were leaving so Reed wrapped me in his jacket to keep me warm. The shakes got so bad that I had to lay down in the back seat of our truck and asked Reed to please not turn on the air. So, we drove home with the windows up and air off because I couldn't get warm or stop shaking. Poor Reed. It was at least 85 outside - and yes, I know that's not hot for Texas or Arizona but here it's hot...especially in a closed up vehicle. Anyway, I was so weak and incoherent by the time we got home that Reed had to carry me into the house. I slept off the weirdness and have done pretty well the rest of the day. Eating and drinking far better and more normal than in the past post-treatment. I'll see what tomorrow and the days following hold.

What's next? My doctor told me that he needs to go back to the drawing board and come up with a new game plan. Evidently (or obviously?), I cannot have any chemos from this family because I will be allergic to all of them. I go into his office on Monday afternoon to talk about my options...again.

Earlier I alluded to the peace that I had today. I know that there is only one reason the peace was so strong. Prayer. The amount of prayer support I've had this week has been overwhelming and humbling. Some from a distance and some very close and personal. I feel loads of support and encouragement with the encouragement coming from unusual scenarios that are undeniably from God. I have worked through my sadness from the last email and am actually in a really good spot at this moment. Reed and I actually look at what happened today as a good thing. We see God's hand all over this and are curious as to what is around the corner. The LORD is using His body to get us through this. He is using my sweet friend Laney to orchestrate the 40 day prayer and fast and He's using all those who signed up and are making a sacrifice (big thank you's). He is giving special friends specific scripture to send to me at exactly the right moment to prepare for what's to happen next. He's given 2 friends the exact same scripture to pray over me with neither knowing ahead of time that the other had been given that scripture. It is a scripture that I can NOW fully understand and after this morning is NOW fully relevant. He's recently used a handful of intimate friends as sounding boards and confidants. He's given a revelation/vision (I'm not really sure what to call it) to another friend that was confirmed and incredibly encouraging. And He's given me the privilege to be anointed and prayed over by one of my dearest friends while holding her newborn baby. THIS is why I had a peace today and THIS is why Reed and I were literally giggling with excitement earlier tonight. We are preparing for a miracle. It feels really good to have some medical options taken away from me. I am so eager to see God's hand in this but in a way that is undeniably God. I'm not sure what that will mean in the end of this journey but for today, I am in a good spot and feeling encouraged and hopeful. I'm the woman in the Bible who's having her options taken away from her and so she touches Jesus' cloak and is healed. That is the verse hanging on my wall. "Daughter, you took a risk of faith and now you are healed and whole. Live well, live blessed, be healed of your plague." I'm getting excited!!!

OK...it's now 3:40. Guess I really should go to bed. Plus, the battery is nearly dead in my computer and I don't feel like going downstairs to get the cords. Goodnight. I hope all this rambling makes sense!!

Hugs,
Angela