a REALLY quick FYI

On Thursday, March 5th at 1:00 I will go back in for chemo treatments. That is, assuming God doesn’t massively close the door. I’m hoping for a closed door but not expecting it this time. He actually did close the door 3 times in a row over the last month and allowed me to experience some pretty cool things (like Hong Kong and a silent retreat) but I’m thinking that this one is going to go through L. I don’t know when the next treatment will be but it will likely be in a month-ish. Ok…that’s about it. Just wanted you all to know.

Take care,
Angela

the good, the bad, the ugly

January 25, 2009


The Scan Results

The good…
The cancer is still gone in my lungs, liver, and spinal bone.

The bad…
The cancer in my chest wall as enlarged a teensy tiny bit and I now have two new spots…also very, very small…in my hip bone and hip socket.

The ugly…
The damage done to my body caused directly by the cancer and chemo…mostly the cancer.

The good…
The doctor adamantly stated that I was NOT dying…I knew that already though J.

The bad…
Doc wants me to have 6 more treatments…one a month for 6 months BUT he did tell me to go home and pray about it (that’s not bad J).

The ugly…
Duh…the chemo.

What am I going to do?? I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I figure it out. I simply cannot let go of the hope of a complete NON-medical miracle. In the world’s eyes this is foolishness, and probably in the eyes of many who receive this email, but my heart just won’t let go of that hope.

Tah, tah for now,
Angela

Angela's Scans

January 14, 2009

Angela’s Scans

There was a young man whose name was not Dan
His job was to prepare my bod for a scan.

To the room we went and for the needle he sent,
But the scans for today were simply not meant.

Into my vein the needle did slide,
And into my arm the pain did not hide.
Oops! The floor and my face did nearly collide.

I awoke confused – very much in a daze,
Not knowing where I was because of the haze.

My husband’s sweet voice and frightened tender face,
Helped bring to memory the quite familiar place.

Next came the nausea and sweating chills,
To the bathroom I ran without any thrills.

The doctor and tech were very alarmed,
But was it for me or the tech who was harmed?

With the bloody needle my tech did get poked,
Much concern and fear this fact did evoke.

Reed brought me home and I went to bed,
To the clinic for testing my young tech he did head.

This should end the tale of Angela’s scans…
Can I please ban? For I am no longer a fan.

But sadly for me this simply won’t be,
For on Friday again the tech I shall see.

Let’s hope this time is better and I won’t pass out,
For if I do, I will scream and I will shout.

On Friday the 16th I ask you to pray,
At 11:00 a.m. I hope for no delay.

I’m done with this poem I can no longer rhyme,
I’m hopeful results will be different next time.

For barfing and fainting truly aren’t me,
I’m more prone to sarcasm and lots of green tea!!!

Angela Robinson ©2009
:)

Transparency...

December 4, 2008

Hello….

This is one of those emails that should have gone out 3 weeks ago but as things would go…it obviously didn’t. Mostly because I didn’t feel like writing it. Actually, I still don’t feel like writing it but so many people have asked “how are you doing?” that I feel it’s getting rude to not respond. And since I’ve decided to respond, I’ve also decided to be brutally honest.

My last treatment was on October 27th and was by far the worst one out of the 8. My white blood cell count was “dangerously low” so I needed to have a booster shot to make it all better. Please…what a joke that was. The reaction to the shot was so horrible that I was virtually flat on my back for over a week. Of course, because I am destined to continually do things different than norm, my body did not have the side effects that I was told I would have – I had an entirely new cast of side effects. Woohoo!!! Such joyful times. Ugh. It’s been 5 weeks since I’ve had the “booster” shot and I’ve had a series of the worst colds I’ve had in my life. I’m assuming that if I hadn’t had this wonderful shot, I would have been dealing with pneumonia! Just saying...that’s where my logic is taking me.

Anyway, that’s when I began wondering whether or not I was to continue treatments. The peace I’d had about treatments was totally going away. I pondered reality…could this possibly be because I reacted so poorly to the treatment? But as I began to feel better, the lack of peace would not go away. Usually, it’s when I’m beginning to feel better that I also begin to have the courage and will to continue on. However this time the lack of peace kept increasing so I began praying for the LORD to reveal to me – “and please could you make the answer in black and white” – whether or not I should continue. My prayer life has not been what it once was so it was very crucial to me to have an answer that was undeniable. Yes or no. You see, I was supposed to have two more treatments with the last one ending on December 8th. I’ve been emotionally fried for months so I didn’t know how I could manage getting through 2 more treatments AND football AND Thanksgiving AND Christmas. But I also have been building a wall between the LORD and myself so I really needed to hear clearly…I truly did not want to be disobedient.

Going against my natural bent, I decided to call my doctor and tell him my concerns. It’s nearly impossible to tell the medical community “I don’t have a peace about continuing” so I knew that I would also have to have “legitimate” reasons. I spoke with my nurse first and told her all the physical issues that I was dealing with and included the fact that I just was not comfortable continuing on. I explained that the more I continued the deeper into discouragement I was going. Deep discouragement does not equal physical healing. She was very compassionate and really understood where I was coming from. She promised to pass all the information along to my doctor but also cautioned about reality…Dr. Link would most likely push me to finish the final two treatments. I mean, come on, it’s only two more (I know that’s what many of you are thinking…those words came out of some of your mouths). It could have as easily been 200 though because THAT’S what it felt like.

So, I waited for Dr. Link to call and “shockingly” he called when I wasn’t home but he did leave a message that I will never forget. He actually agreed with me!! He told me that he wanted me to take a break from treatments through the holidays and come back to see him in January. He made it clear that he still wanted to actually talk to me so when we did connect, he repeated the same comments he had left as a message. Plus, he wanted me to promise him that I would make an appointment for January to have scans redone and to come in and see him. I promised. I think he was so relieved that I actually talked to him before I bailed that he realized that I really was in a bad spot. I had received my black and white answer and was elated…for a day.

This brings me to today. I am “relieved” that I did not have to continue with treatments – feeling a bit like I’m on vacation - but I am in NO way excited about anything right now. I have no idea what the scans are going to reveal in January so I have no idea if Dr. Link is going to want me to have any more treatments. The treatments I’ve already had have wreaked havoc on my body but not to the degree that they would have had I not been so healthy otherwise. I have had a real awakening lately as to just how fried I have become…trying to do chemo treatments during football season, the first semester of school, and preparing a son to go to college is simply the most brutal test of endurance I’ve had in my 45 years of life. Plus, my relationship with the LORD has gone from extremely intimate with a strong confidence in Him to a complete lack of confidence - not only in my faith walk but in every area of my life - and no intimacy with the LORD at all. Thankfully, I am not walking this alone. The LORD has put someone in my life who is very discerning and wise and will help me out of the pit.

So, there you go. That’s how I’m doing! Pretty swell isn’t it?! Oh…and it only took me 4 days to get this written up!!! So, the next time you ask me “how are you doing?” know that I most likely will not give a detailed answer. It’s far to exhausting and I really don’t like to dwell on it. I am working on staying strong knowing that right now I am incredibly weak. It’s a lot of work retelling my story. And it’s very discouraging. However, I really do care that you care so I don’t want to blow everybody off. I will send updates when I can. Otherwise, I still desperately covet your prayers and know that if the LORD brings me to your mind, He will also tell you how to pray. My current prayer is that my scans would be clear in January. I don’t have a date for the scans yet because I need to wait on approval from my doctor/insurance. I want to be done. I want to get to the second part of my healing which will be some sort of surgery process. I have SUCH a long way to go and I am beyond tired and frustrated and burned out. However, I must also say that the LORD has been really gentle with me and for that I am eternally grateful and relieved.

I look forward to the day when my emails to you are more chipper! Thank you so much for caring and thank you so much for asking. I most definitely do not feel alone in this!!!!!!!!

Take care and have fun preparing for Christmas!!! Lots of love and hugs to everyone…

Angela