Thursday, May 26, 2011


Today I began round 4 of my 7 day on 7 day off chemo pill cycle.  Every cycle, on or off,  the side effects get worse.  I was under the belief that the chemo was causing me to be very emotional but found out today, from my nurse, that it just may be that my hormones are totally messed up.  Because I need more to deal with.

The chemo does cause serious fatigued.  So, I'm always (I really do mean always) tired, cry far more than makes sense and over lame things, become overly defensive, slack on the things I know I need to get done, beat myself up for all the things I'm not able to do anymore and all the failures I feel have happened.  Isn't this great?!

I know that my blog is often hard to read and I've heard several times that husbands are reading if for their wives and passing along the information.  I'm sorry about this, but I can't help but continue the honesty.  It's either continue the honesty in the written form or try to tell my story, face-to face, over and over again.  At this point, I don't feel like doing either.  I want to hide in my bedroom, door shut, TV on so I can "escape" to another reality.  Yet I know this would be one of the worst things I could do.  However, in many ways, I've become a recluse in my own house because of the fatigue and a damaged leg that makes it a challenge to walk much.  I've never missed exercise more than I do now.

Today, I needed to get a shot for my bones.  Amongst the many issues, chemo causes bone damage.  I wanted to find out some other stuff from recent labs. I didn't like what I was told.  My tumor markers are up, liver functionality is worse, and lymphnodes are still large and hard (which I actually mentioned to them).  I told my sweet nurse that I was ready to throw in the towel.  SHE is the one that was the massive encourager and flat out told me I couldn't lose my faith now because that's what's gotten me through.  She also said I needed to get back to praying.  I'd pretty much stopped.  I can honestly say that I never expected this conversation which made it that much more beautiful, special, meaningful ... amazing. God has blessed me with a nurse I adore and with whom I can have complete honesty.  In many ways, I'm quite spoiled.

Before I start sounding even more martyrish, I want to explain that not all has been horrible.  I've experienced some of the most amazing prayer experiences but I do not feel comfortable talking about right now. I will say that in all the times I've had hands on prayer, I never experienced anything like I did 4 specific times, recently. I will say that just last Friday night, I was being prayed for by a man I'd never met. He had no idea what was wrong other than my hip wasn't working right.  He began praying for me and one of his many comments that he heard from God was, "you will not die."  He never once heard that I was dealing with cancer but he "just happened" to repeat the same exact thing to me that God's been saying to me for years.  Coincidence?  Yeah right.

Even with this, I am currently living a life filled with hours and hours of discouragement.  I talk a lot about being fatigued and how every bit of my mind and body are tired. Due to the reality that I've spent so much time over the last 3 years being chemo sick, cancer and chemo tired, going to a bazillion doctor and scan appointments, I've had serious doubts about my mothering and teaching abilities over the last couple of years. It's been painful in a whole new way.  I should simply be elated that I'm still here for my family but when you spend so much time seperated from the ones you love the most, trying to take care of yourself, you begin feeling the pains of "not being there". It's hard to remember that being alive is a good thing - no matter how often it's said to you.

I think that's all the bad/sad news for now ... well, all I'm willing to share anyway.

Thanks, once again, for the THOUSANDS of prayers and the multitude of other ways you've helped. Far, far too many to list.  It's been more than I could have ever imagined.  I don't feel worthy.