July 2, 2009
My heart is pretty much in my stomach as I write this update. I wanted to get it out sooner but "things" just kept happening that have slowed my progress. Plus, I'm tired and it takes a lot of energy to put my thoughts into words and share them.
The really good news is that both Cam and Ben are out of their slings and on their way to complete healing. And, as of Father's Day, Peter is off of crutches. So, we can now walk down a sidewalk and not look like we've just come from a car wreck. We were literally asked that at one point. Thank you for your prayers in regards to the boys' injuries.
Now for more of the story. A week ago today, I received the results of my scans, biopsy, and MRI. None of the news came as any shock to me because I am so in tune with my body that I can feel the slightest changes. The good news of the visit was that there is no cancer in my liver or brain. But the bad news is that the cancer has grown in my hip, breast, and there are two new spots in my lungs. Biopsy results showed that the cancer I'm dealing with is very responsive to several different chemo options so my doctor wants to switch it up. It appears that my body is building up a slight resistance to the treatment I am currently doing. The biopsy results showed that the cancer is still responsive to the current chemo but not as much as other treatments and not as much as it once was. So, this is where I can become freaked out if I think about it too much. The chemo my doc wants to put me on is the same stuff I was on 11 years ago. For those who don't know, I was HIGHLY allergic to that chemo and nothing could be done to control the allergic reaction. My side effects were insanely horrible and I dropped to 87 pounds. I was supposed to complete 4 treatments and I could only get through 2. My current doctor is not the same one I had then. Dr. Link knew my side effects were bad but I had never explained in detail just how bad they really were. He was shocked. The difference with this version of that extra yucky chemo is that it is coated in lipids and is "supposed" to only affect the cancer cells. In theory, the lipids cause the treatment to be be gentler. The cancer likes the lipids (fat) so they open up and eat the chemo. The big problem with this theory as a whole is that if it's only getting to the cancer cells, then why will my hair fall out??!!! Yep...up until now, I've been able to keep my "glorious locks". However, this treatment will cause hair loss. And trust me, hair is NOT overrated (sorry to all my bald guy friends but I've gone that route once and it was more horrifying than many things I've had to deal with). I like my hair...a lot...and I really don't have any desire to lose it. Dr. Link wants me to have 12 treatments...in 12 weeks!!!! They are supposed to be "mild" doses and "shouldn't" affect my life too much but...sorry for my skepticism but I just find this hard to believe. I get affected by the contrast dye that's put in my body for the scans and MRI. I'm more or less wiped out for an entire day after that so I have a super hard time believing that this is going to be "gentle". Ugh.
Anyway, I really wish this was the end of my email and I could just tell you the dates treatment will begin and end but I don't have that information yet. We have a little vacation planned for next week and Dr. Link really wants us to go on that before I come back in. So we are. The day I will most likely begin treatment is Thursday, July 16th...assuming the LORD doesn't intervene with a supernatural healing. I'm still hoping and BEGGING!!!! Oh am I begging. Sigh. I will give you the dates as soon as I know them.
So, here's the rest of the story. And, this is the reason my heart is in my stomach. This past Monday, June 29th Reed was laid off at Hurley. This came as an enormous shock because Reed was one of those rare employees that no matter what they gave him to do, he excelled in it and was continuously promoted because of it. He has a knack for being able to put together really good teams and getting them to run so efficiently that the departments could virtually run themselves. Hurley - like so many companies - is restructuring and has been for several months so layoffs have not been that uncommon. Even knowing this, we were still surprised that he was one that was chosen for a recent layoff. But completely trust that the LORD is in control. Without getting too specific, please know that Hurley is taking care of us and that we are not out insurance. Reed's had several little fires going on on the side for a while and my prayer is that the LORD will allow one of these fires to grow and flourish so that he can truly be self-employed. That has been Reed's forever dream. He's massively talented and has an incredible reputation in the industry so, selfishly speaking, I think it's time that God allows his dream of being a successful entrepreneur to come true. For me, I'm just really sad because I really like the people at Hurley and it's always been a super easy brand for me to get behind because I genuinely believe in it. I still do. That is why my heart is in my stomach. It makes me really, really really sad. And geez...really? One more thing? Thankfully (?), I had an enormous breakdown at church Saturday night where I was able to release a lot. If this hadn't have occurred, no telling how I would have reacted Monday.
So, even with all of this said, I'm not feeling depressed, desperate, scared, etc. but I am feeling numb and tired and sad. Can you be numb and sad at the same time? Well, I am so I guess you can. Or maybe I've just been given so much grace for this season that I'm just OK. I don't know and I don't have any need to figure it out right now. But you guys can analyze me if you want.
Well, I think I'm done. Ben is nearly done with therapy so I need to close up anyway. It's a weird life when you actually look forward to taking your son to therapy because it's a nice quiet and safe place to be but yet you're actually getting something done. Oh well. That's my life...a day in the life of the Robinson family :o)! And that's our week.
Many hugs and so very, very much appreciation.