I woke up this morning far too early because of a rogue alarm clock in our house that picks random days to go off. Normally, I can fall back to sleep but that wasn't the case this morning. I layed in my bed thinking of what all was going on today and fear began slowly creeping in. I finally decided to get up and conquer the fear by journaling or reading my Bible or reading my devotions. I didn't know for sure what I was going to do. I just knew I needed to do something or I was going to spiral out of control.
I went downstairs, picked up my favorite devotional book, read today's devotion and sighed. It was a "useless" writing. So, because I was so near tears, I decided to journal. With heavy tears, this is what I wrote...
"I’m scared this morning. I am scared of the cancer in my brain eating holes like it is in my chest. I’m scared of the cancer in my lungs making it harder for me to breathe and also making holes. I am scared of whole brain radiation and the belief that I heard you tell me I won’t lose my hair. How do these two go together? I am scared of cancer. I am scared I’ve heard you wrong all these years even though You keep confirming to me. I haven’t seen any evidence...at all. I am scared that I won’t hear You tell me what to do next. I am scared to face each day...fear of the unknown. I feel like I don’t even know how to get through this day. I’m beginning to spiral. Please don’t let that happen."
I stopped journaling and picked up me second favorite devotional book to read. This is what I read...
Think much of My servants of old. How Abraham believed the promise (when as yet he had no child) that in his seed all the nations of the earth should be blessed.
How Moses led the Children of Israel through the desert sure that, at last, they would gain the Promise Land.
Down through the ages there have always been those who obeyed, not seeing but believing, and their faith was rewarded. So shall it be even with you. (emphasis all mine)" (God Calling, A.J. Russell)
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry but reading these words, knowing it was a personal message from God, immediately stopped me from spiraling!! And now I can continue on with my day.