For a while now I've wanted to blog about my journey. The update emails I currently do can get overwhelming because I tend to wait so long between updates that I feel a need to share everything that you've missed since the last update. But that's just me...when I tell a story, I like to give lots of detail. My hope is that if I blog, it will be more journal like and more frequent. For years, I've been a journalor so this seems like a natural next step for me. The difference obviously will be the amount of detail I'm willing to share. So...welcome to my first attempt at blogging. I'm quite certain this will be an ever changing process but likely you don't care.
Today is March 17th...St. Patrick's day and the second day after chemo. I'm not wearing green. I'm Irish so I don't have too :). I am dealing with what I commonly refer to as "chemo tired". Chemo tired lasts about 48 hours from the time the I.V. chemo is put into my body. It's the type of tired where your eyes hurt and your muscles feel like they can't breathe. They...your muscles that is...only want to function at about 1/2 of their potential. During the first 24 hours all I want to do is lie in bed. I have to remind myself that it's necessary to eat and then find something that sounds good but doesn't take long to fix. During the second 24 hours all I want to do is sit around. You have just enough muscle energy to pull off a few chores as long as you rest frequently. But you are ever so thankful that your mind is thinking clearly.
It is now March 19th...obviously I don't have this blogging thing down...or maybe I do. Maybe it really doesn't matter. Today is an emotionally rough day. I've always dealt with insecurities related to female relationships and today, those emotions are soaring sky high. I am always weakest in this area whenever I feel discouraged in other areas, especially in regards to my health. I am discouraged in general today. I would love to share why but I think it would be discouraging to you too. Maybe next time.
Anyway, today is a really lonely day and it really doesn't make sense. Other than I'm feeling sorry for myself. I have a love/hate relationship with facebook. I love it because it allows me to feel connected to and get engrossed in a world that is not my own. I hate it because I get to see what all I'm missing out on or not included in. Unfortunately for me, I spend far too much time stalking others because I have so much down time. There was a day when I would have turned this down time into an opportunity to do an easy bible study, journal more, read...something productive and encouraging that I could do while sitting and that would keep the lies at bay. But what do I do instead? I record and watch hours of old movies and facebook stalk.
I love to read...but reading has now become a chore. I NEVER use to begin a book and not finish it. I've started and not finished at least 6 books. I enjoy bible studies and have several lying around tempting me...ummmm....ain't gonna happen. Instead, I dwell on all the things I'm missing out on and wonder what I've done wrong to be excluded. This is a never ending cycle with me and I hate it. I want to just be confident in who God created me to be and not who satan is telling me I am. I have far too much time to think...to be introspective...to analyze. And when you're dealing with cancer, you're forced to think about things that you've never thought about before. This is why I watch old movies. It takes me out of my own mind and in some ways saves me from myself.
Cancer is such a demon and adds to my insecurities. I have tons of help because friends WANT to help. But, on days like today, I believe they only want to help because of a "feeling sorry for me" type of mentality. I love, appreciate, and have desperately needed the hands on help but there is another kind of help that I am loosing out on. Just normal friendship. People who can continue to be my friend without always trying to take care of me. I miss having friends in the traditional sense. I'm sure I'm more sensitive about it today because I'm in a funk and because we had a great time with old friends last night. The type of friends who, even though they've moved away and we haven't seen each other in years, you pick up right where you left off. Just being really good friends. It brought to surface the loneliness of dealing with cancer. I am pretty excited though because this is an unusually high friend weekend for us. Far more than normal. My current social life mostly includes my medical staff and friends who come by bringing dinner.
I don't say all of this in hopes of being put on everyone's social calendar. I'm just being real about my insecurities and the reality of cancer loneliness. Plus, that's not really what I'm getting at or want. I'm not even all that social but I, like most women, crave really good friends. The type of friends you have silly conversations with and laugh so hard your drink comes out of your nose. That call you for absolutely no specific reason (oh...btw...I totally stink at calling people) just to have a fun and/or deep conversation and you don't need to explain what you meant because they know your heart. Or who feel like it's ok to drop by your house "just because". I feel like our society has lost the art of just hanging for the fun of it. Everything has to have a reason behind it. So...what am I getting at? I am incredibly blessed to have a lot of friends, friends who will drop anything if I call and need them. And if I plan some type of event they will come. But I can honestly count on one hand without my thumb the number of friends I have who are still just "normal friends".
On the flip side - because there always is one - I've met more amazing people during this journey than I would have ever met otherwise. But, of course, I'm going to focus on what I feel I don't have. And like I said at the beginning-ish, it's an emotional day and I'm feeling really discouraged. Really discouraged. So, if I could just sit and cry right now, I would.
Welcome to my blog :).