Today is Sunday...March 21st. This weekend has been emotionally brutal. God is forcing me to deal with a couple of realities that are insanely painful. Both realities produced such an immense amount of tears that my eyelids pooled to the point of flooding my cheeks and my chest was heaving with sobs.
The first reality happened on Saturday afternoon when I attended the baby shower of one of the dearest people in my life. I was already an emotional mess - a hangover from Friday - so I should have put up my guard a wee bit more. I didn't. The shower was light hearted with lots of laughter. The day was beautiful...sunny, breezy, sunny California amazing. Together that should have been enough to draw me out of my funk but as I was sitting listening to the laughter and conversation, I found myself slipping further into a funk. It wasn't that I didn't have a legit reason...as I was sitting and listening, I was feeling the pain that comes with cancer growth. So no matter how amazing the surroundings were, the fact that I could feel the growth set the tone for me. I loved watching my friend enjoy her day and as I watched her face light up with the fun surrounding her, it hit me hard that she literally has life growing in her and I literally have death growing in me. Literally. No pun intended. No cute phrase used. Literal meaning of what I am saying. Life vs. Death. My reality.
My second reality happened early this morning before we left for church. I was lying in bed trying to wake up and through a series of God led thoughts I realized that I am harboring some resentment towards my two youngest children. This freaks me out to recognize and admit because I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom and I've ALWAYS wanted a large family but let me explain. Child number 4 was ten months old when I found the first lump in my breast. I was determined to nurse him for a year before I had a biopsy. This didn't make my doctor happy but I didn't care. It was incredibly important to me that I nurse my baby until he was a year old. The biopsy was done...the cancer diagnosis was made...a lumpectomy was performed...and chemo treatment began. This was 11 1/2 years ago. My relationship with my little guy was altered from what it should have been but I didn't recognize what had happened.
I was cancer free for five years which is the milestone all doctors look for. My doctor was no exception exclaiming that I could now get pregnant. That was the furthest thing from my mind so of course that's exactly what happened. Here comes baby number 5. A couple of years later, here comes the cancer, right back in the EXACT same spot. And here comes this journey that I am now on. One that has no end in sight. What I recognized this morning is that even though I don't actually believe my boys are responsible for giving me cancer, to some degree I am blaming them. It's really sick and it horrifies me.
To add to the emotions of the weekend, I can literally see that the chemo I am currently on is no longer working. I have certain areas that my doctor uses to monitor how well the chemo is working. Things were definitely looking better but over the last week, it has become incredibly obvious that this is no longer the case. I have scans on Thursday so we'll see but so far I've had a pretty good batting average when it comes to what's going to be on my scans.
So tonight I'm in a place where I've already thought through the "if-onlys", "why didn't God..." and "maybe I heard God wrong" thoughts and I end up where I've been for 5 years now. God gave me a promise and He will keep that promise. The current part of this journey is incredibly hard but I know and I believe that the LORD will get me through it all. And thankfully...so thankfully...the weekend was filled with lots and lots of laughter with friends and family. That's the balance and that's what has kept me off the ledge.