Freaking Out

April 2, 2010


If I was blogging like I really should be I would be posting the results of my scans long before I tell you the events of today but, ya know?!  I don’t much care about all that right now!!  I am TOTALLY FREAKING OUT because Jodie and I will be interviewed in a couple of hours by NBC Nightly News.  It won’t be aired until tomorrow but the interview is this afternoon.

I really don’t like being in front of a camera...ALL of my insecurities come roaring  out and take over.  Like how I wished I’d never lost my retainers or how I wished I’d made time for a mani/pedi this week, or is my hair going to look ok, or what about my outfit, or, or, or... I’d so much rather be spilling my guts through my typing.  But this is a really big deal and God has completely blessed Jodie allowing her to not only reach her financial goal but increase it $150,000.00.  It’s been absolutely crazy to watch the story unfold with no apparent end in sight.  Plus, He (God) has for YEARS made it clear to me that my story was supposed to be told.  All that to say, I don’t really feel like I can say no to being a part of this interview...even though I am unbelievably tired and would love just to zone out on my couch.  This is totally, 100% God’s story...all of it...and it HAS to be told.

As for my results.  Well...they’re not so good.  Both of my hips look better which is awesome but I was really hoping that after radiation on my left hip/leg that I would have NO cancer in this spot.  So, even though it’s good, it’s not all the way good and my hip hurts causing me to walk funny again.  The cancer in my right hip has shrunk some so that’s a huge positive.  My chest area is worse, I have a spot in my liver, a spot in my lungs that is irritating and causes me to cough, my lower spine, my rib...I think that’s all.

I am again on a new and different chemo regimen with three new chemos.  The hope is that if I take these chemos in really tiny doses once a week that it will bring the cancer under control.  I am off the daily pills which helps tremendously with stomach issues.  And I still have hair.  This chemo regimen is not supposed to effect my white and red cell levels as much and should not cause as much fatigue.  I’ve not seen any changes yet so I wait patiently...sort of.

Thankfully, God spoke to me again this week or the results of my scans may have thrown me under the bus.  And thankfully, this weekend watching Jodie risk her life and being entertained by a whale for close to 2 hours made “Monday Scan Result Day” a lot more bearable.  It took far too long to process the weekend so processing the results day got pushed way back.

But this is one of my journal entries from a couple of nights ago explaining the recent promise confirmation...

“I am so very thankful to you that you gave me another confirmation of the promise of healing two nights ago.   I went to bed late and the last thing I wanted to do was be up any later but I felt strongly that I was supposed to pick up my daily bible and read that days entry.  And I really wanted to.
    I tried to read through Deuteronomy and just had to skip it.  It wasn’t making any sense.  I went onto the New Testament part...Luke.  And lo and behold it was the story of the hemorrhaging woman who reached out to touch Christ’s garment and received immediate healing (Luke 8:43-48).  I was thrilled but I wasn’t done being blessed.
    I went on to read Psalms and this is what you put before me...”You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth.”  Psalm 71:20  I know you’ve given this to me before...several times and I believe the first time was from Ben.  So, You didn’t just give me one confirmation, You gave me two.  Thank you.  Today these words are my lifeline because I am so wiped out.  I hate being wiped out but I’m thankful I can still type and get all my thoughts out.”

Oh my...I have to go.  My stomach is in TOTAL knots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Bye.